JUST IN CASE
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Find time to be alone with him or her. |
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Let him or her talk; don’t interrupt. |
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Show interest in what he or she says by sitting close, facing him or her, and looking at him or her. |
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Nod your head occasionally to let him or her know that you are still with him or her and listening. |
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You may feel nervous about stalls and silences. They are OK; just let them happen. |
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If he or she needs help to continue talking, try repeating back the things he or she has said. |
Believe Your Friend. People rarely make up stories about sexual assault.
Let Your Friend Know That You Care. This may be the first time that your friend has ever told anyone about the sexual assault. Give whatever expression of sympathy is comfortable. Some that have worked for other teens include:
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"I said, ‘It must have been tough (frightening).’" |
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"I cried with her." |
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"I reached out and touched her hand and put my arm around her shoulder. (I was hesitant to touch her at first because she was talking about touch as a bad experience, but it worked out.)" |
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"I didn’t know what to say, but then I remembered my friend was in trouble and found the right words." |
Reassure Your Friend That He or She Isn’t to Blame. Blaming questions such as, "Why didn’t you scream?" or "Were you hitchhiking?" aren’t helpful. Instead you might say, "It’s difficult to scream when you are frightened." or "Hitchhiking is risky, but you were asking for a ride, not a rape."
Let Your Friend Be In Control of Who Knows About the Sexual Assault. Keep whatever she says between you and maybe a trusted adult such as a teacher or a mom. "I told two friends and asked them not to tell anyone. One friend didn’t tell anyone, but my best friend told my classmates and rumors were spread around school. People treat me different — either like I did something wrong or they treat me special like I have a real problem. I don’t feel like going to school anymore."
If Your Friend Is a Victim of Incest. Being a friend means telling someone who can do something about it. You might tell a trusted adult such as a parent, teacher, or counselor. Trained people who work at rape crisis centers or counseling agencies for teens also know what to do. Child Protective Services or the police can be called since incest is against the law.
Note: Take care of yourself too. Hearing about the sexual assault of a friend is upsetting. Sometimes people, as they are recovering from rape, reject those friends who were most helpful at their time of crisis. You may become the rejected friend, because you are a clear reminder of the rape your friend is trying to forget. Most likely if you give your friend time and space, he or she will return to the friendship.
Adapted and reprinted with permission
from Top Secret: Sexual Assault Information For Teenagers Only by
Jennifer J. Fay and Billie Jo Flerchinger. Copyright © 1982, 1988 King County
Sexual Assault Resource Center,
PO Box 300, Renton, Washington 98057 (425-226-5062).
All rights reserved.
